When all alone with ourselves, we may cunningly feel that we can get away with a ‘minimal’ relapse and no one will find out. Just one or two drinks and I promise I will stop; one or two pills and I’ll get right off them and go clean for a few days so the narcotic residue does not show in a test. Those of us in recovery know these scenarios quite well. We also are very familiar with the dubious ‘peer’ pressure we receive when out, partying with our typical crowd of ‘using’ or ‘drinking’ pals, enticing us and encouraging us to use again. Or, at the very least, such a group of individuals create an atmosphere that indirectly incite us to use or drink again when we know very well that we are relapsing and sledding down that slippery slope directly back into addiction. Why would such a group of associates want to admit that they have an issue with drugging or drinking? Why would they even care if you were to use again or not. They may feel that they have nothing to lose by their partying, then why should you?
Let’s ask the following question of ourselves. At what point do we see ourselves rationalizing a relapse and making it easy for us to do so? Are we someone that is in a perpetual pattern of relapsing, detoxing, going through a recovery program and then relapsing again? I have noticed a very interesting and familiar pattern when someone starts using or drinking again. This is especially in plain view when one must honestly disclose a relapse to their own recovery or support group. We tend to beat ourselves up, sometimes very powerfully and destructively – don’t we? There is so much pain, embarrassment; disappointment with oneself, a depressing sense of starting over (yet again) that overtakes us. We mistrust ourselves even more. Why? Because in a sense, we have violated our own inner commitment to remain sober and clean and this violation hurts and is a setback mentally, physically and spiritually – and our loved ones lose faith in us and distrust us – sometimes to the point of ending the relationship. How does this pattern become ever easier to repeat? This pattern of thinking and behavior gives us another chance to dabble with our drug of choice and never really create a wholesome pattern of true recovery.
This is such a tough area to discuss. On the one hand, when we do in fact return to using or drinking again, however brief a period this may be, and then want to resume sobriety, we certainly want and expect to be received back into our family or a recovery group with open arms, support and fellowship. Nurturance and care is the hallmark of groups such as AA and Smart Recovery and many other professional organizations – and for family and loved ones, Al-Anon is a lifeline. It is among these people that we realize who our true friends really are. People in recovery are continually learning to forgive themselves and are always there awaiting your renewed honesty and recommitment to your own sobriety. However, even with the warmth and acceptance we receive upon renewing our commitment to recovery, there are intense battles still present within our own minds. Depression, anxiety, mistrust of ourselves are examples of the short list of consequences from a relapse. A basic “what’s the use in trying” can easily overtake us especially if the relapse sequence is repeated over and over again. We simply have not allowed ourselves to cross the great abyss with a long enough period away from using and drinking, to realize the rewards of remaining clean and sober and making it a way of life – permanently.
It is not during the hours and minutes of a recovery meeting that present the challenge to someone on the path of sobriety. It is the critical moments in between that become the real dynamic challenge to our health, our well-being and our commitment to remain clean and sober when we’re on our own. What kind of thought can we insert into our minds that can provide an instance of honest decision making and wise choices? What can allow that small voice within to be noticed by our own conscience and take prominence over those knee jerk taunts to start using again? When left to our own devices, is there some way to replace those sneaky, duplicitous choices with our firm resolution to remain on the path of Unconditional Recovery? If we are experiencing difficulty accomplishing this, we must ask ourselves -- why is this the case? Get into your thought process during these periods and share with your recovery group just what happens in the moments before returning to using again.
Let’s get real - there is no such thing as getting away with something. Many of us have been brought up to think there is because we feel protected by appearances – if no one really knows or finds out about what we did, we somehow feel we have gotten away with our shiftiness and dishonesty. However, this is far from the truth. Sure, there are many individuals engaged in such ego games, as is easily apparent throughout our society and frequently and openly accepted. To be left to our own devices in recovery and then relapse while hoping that no one will find out – well, suffice it to say – our own conscience knows. We fool no one but ourselves. We violate no one but our own self. We empower no one but empower our addiction and a belief that we cannot free ourselves from our addiction. Such behavior also displays that you care more about what people think about you than what you actually think and feel about yourself.
A relapse is very serious. No, it is certainly not the end of the world or ever considered a reason to give up, or a finale to your ability or chances to recover. Quite the contrary – so many individuals have proven otherwise and are now living a positive life, a thriving life – clean and sober – even after having multiple relapses. The mantra we must always recall is that it is never too late to become clean and sober – we must never give up – we must always retry and keep on trying. Why? Because living free from addiction, one day at a time, is always possible for you. This is a choice for you every moment. Those in recovery offer their love, fellowship and deep understanding every day as well – one day and one moment at a time. You do not have to believe in a God to comprehend this, because you have your own inner conscience and feelings that must always find a way to breathe freely in the open, honest air of our own truth.
I would like to offer a final suggestion and challenge to you for this holiday season – especially if you are feeling prone to giving yourself permission to relapse. Why not make a potential return to using or drinking again the ‘most difficult’ choice you have ever made. It is your life and health at stake. Wake yourself up at the moment before using and ask yourself, do you really need to relapse? Try not rationalizing that you can do it for a while and then give sobriety another attempt – later. Instead of being left to your own devices as a permission-giving premise, push yourself through your own barriers and choose wisely. Reach out to others who can truly help you and have your true welfare in mind. Let your conscience have voice within you. Let it breath its whispers to you when alone, to not go backwards. Let your true inner voice that wants you to be free have precedence over the addictive voices. Is it difficult to accomplish this – perhaps, at first? Is it impossible? Clearly the answer is no – it is far from being impossible. Do you have the ability, the inner strength and resolve to turn away from the permission giving impulse to start using and drinking? Of course you do. This is your life and the decision to remain clean and sober must ultimately be made by you.
This holiday season, don’t allow the pressures that may seem to overwhelm you – whether they be family gatherings, finances, whatever – be a rationalization/excuse to use again. Until next time . . . be true to yourself.